Best Boarding school Ever
by the Random Oliphaunt
Summary: Expelled from their old school, troublemakers Alex and Zoe are sent away to boarding school. It'll be awful, right? Wrong… Featuring characters from LOTR, POTC, Harry Potter, Artemis Fowl, the Inheritance Cycle, Discworld and many others
1. Do These Kids Look Familiar To You?

Chapter I: Do these kids look familiar to you?

**I own my OCs, Orothrim Academy and any strange, twisted plot that may emerge. I don't own anything else. This applies to all chapters.**

**Odd-numbered chapters are in Alex's POV, even-numbered ones are in Zoe's POV.**

'Alex, this school is a new start. I want you to promise me tat you'll stay out of trouble here.' Dad adjusted the rearview mirror so he could send me a stern glace. 'OK? No more pranks, no more bottle-rockets, no more hair-dye attacks…'  
'Whatever,' I muttered. Mum turned round, looking concerned.  
'Alex, I know it's been tough for you, since Graham died, but-'  
I turned up the volume on my iPod and tried to drown her out, staring out the window as the rocky scenery swept by.  
Yep, the inevitable had happened. Mum and Dad had finally decided to pack me off to some weird wee boarding school, practically in the Highlands, to give a "fresh start". Honestly, you get framed for one little hamster attack, and your parents decide you're a budding psychopath. And it wasn't even me – I'm _allergic_ to hamsters, for crying out loud. I definitely didn't dye the school one pink.  
At least Zoe, my best friend since nursery, was going too. But still, judging from the school's website, it seemed like a pretty dreary place. The only upside was that there were no uniforms. Goodbye, hideous blazers! It's been fun.

* * *

We pulled up outside a weird medieval-y place that looked like a Hogwarts extension. The parking lot was maybe half full of cars, as well as an assortment of other odd vehicles. There was a steady stream of pupils and parents entering through a pair of huge oak doors.  
I flicked through the information booklet we'd printed out from their website. 'Wait. Zoe and I are going to be in _first year_?'  
'It's how the school works, Alex. All new students are put in first year, regardless of their age. Apparently it makes the lessons more interesting.' Dad parked the car next to a parking space that was filled with broomsticks.  
'Still! Sounds messed up to me.'  
'Alexandra, you were very lucky to get a scholarship to Orothrim Academy. Now stop whingeing.' I rolled my eyes.  
We got out of the car, and I waved at a blonde girl who was heading in our direction.  
'Zoe! Long time no see.'  
Zoe grinned. 'Hey, 'Lex.'  
I grabbed my suitcase and backpack from the boot, just as Zoe's mum came over.  
'Hello, Alex. Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?'  
'Yeah…' I glanced up at the cloudless sky. Most unusual for Scotland, even in August.  
Mum started to get out of the car. 'I'll come in with you and help you unpack.' 'I'll be fine.'  
'Are you sure?'  
'Yes! I snapped. Mum sighed.  
'Well, at least let me walk you to the entrance. You need to be signed off by a parent or guardian, it says so on the website.'

* * *

All five of us climbed the set of stone stairs that led inside, Zoe and I lugging our suitcases with us. The entrance hall was swarming with students and adults, but something seemed odd.  
'Zoe, do the other people here seem weird to you?'  
'Hmm? Yeah, a bit… Sort of … familiar, almost….'  
'Names, please?' We were approached by an official-looking person holding a clipboard.  
'Alex Price.'  
'Zoe Campbell.'  
The clipboard guy looked down his sheet of paper and ticked something off. 'Go up those stairs until you get to Common Room 5. The girls' dormitories are off to the left of the common room. If you have any weapons, please hand them over to the prefects.' He pointed at two older students.  
'W-weapons?' Mum asked, looking worried. Zoe and I grinned at each other. Suddenly this school was looking up.  
'Yes. Can't have any injuries on the first day. But don't worry, pupils are allowed full access to the armoury, and you can register for a shelf there. Now, Mrs Price, is it? Sign here.' Mum signed an official-looking piece of paper, which the clipboard guy clipped to his clipboard. Zoe's mum did the same.  
'Here are your locker keys.' He handed me and Zoe both a key and then walked over to another clump of incoming students.  
'We'll be fine from here,' I assured Mum.  
'Are you sure? I admit, I'm starting to have second thoughts about this school...'  
'It's fine,' I told her. Mum and Dad frowned slightly and hugged me.  
'Well, have a nice term.'  
'I won't.'  
We headed up a flight of stairs that would not have looked out of place in Edinburgh castle, and eventually reached the common room.

Common Room 5 was a large, spacious room with sofas, armchairs and beanbags dotted about. There was a fireplace at one end and a TV at the other. One entire wall was made up of lockers. There were also several bookshelves and what looked like a trophy cabinet on the other walls. Two staircases disappeared off the left and right-hand side of the room. 'I guess we go up there,' Zoe said, pointing at the left-hand staircase. I nodded.  
The girls' dormitory was fairly empty. Of the three other girls there, one was approximately the same height as a hobbit and another was unsuccessfully trying to hide a sword under her bed. The third looked familiar.  
'Is that…?' Zoe whispered. I shook my head slowly.  
'It can't be.'  
The dark-haired woman looked up. '_Mae govannen,'_ she said.  
''Sup.'  
'I am Arwen Undomiel, queen of Gondor.'  
'No frickin' way!' Zoe blurted. Arwen raised an eyebrow. 'Um, I'm Zoe.'  
'I'm Alex.' The other two occupants of the dormitory came over to introduce themselves.  
'I'm Holly Short,' the short one said.  
'I am Arya,' the girl with the sword added.  
'This is… surreal,' Zoe murmured as we plonked our stuff down on two of the free beds. I nodded.  
'What are the odds? You get sent off to a boarding school that happens to be full of your favourite book characters?'  
Just then, the dormitory doors opened and a flood of other girls came in, all chattering excitedly in groups. I caught a few snatches of conversation before they all stopped and stared at the other groups in amazement.  
'It was really quite simple, he just used a Summoning charm and it flew right into the –'  
'No, I have, like, no idea who these kids are –'  
'So how is Roran doing?'  
'Uncle said he had a plan for us, but I didn't think he meant _this_-'  
'What in the name of Davy Jones' Locker?'  
'This is _really_ surreal.'  
'Zoe?'  
'Yes?'  
'Stop saying "surreal".'  
''K.'

* * *

After unpacking, we headed down through the common room and into the entrance hall again. There was still a huge crowd there, but it had spilt into smaller groups, each moving purposefully in one direction or another. The first years – there were maybe 50 of us – stayed in a small clump at the foot of the huge staircase.  
'Holy cheese puffs, there's Legolas!' Zoe whisper-shrieked.  
'And Boromir, and Haldir, and KILI and Fili… wait, you _died_.' I frowned, looking over at the pair. Haldir, overhearing my comment, grinned. 'Oh, the authoress liked our characters far too much for us to stay dead,' he explained.  
'What's he talking about?' Everyone looked blank.

Then there was an awful; crackling feedback noise and an oddly familiar voice came on over the intercom, saying, 'will all students please report to the great hall now.'


	2. In which all is revealed (well, mostly)

In which all is revealed (well, mostly revealed anyway)

We looked around, wondering where the heck the great hall was, until an older student wearing a prefect badge came over. 'New first years? Come this way please, the great hall's just through those doors...' I realized with a shock that it was Percy Weasley, although by that point it wasn't really surprising.

The great hall was filled with rows of chairs that were filling up fast. A stage was at one end of the hall. We all sat down near the front and watched the rest of the students come in. All of them seemed to be book or movie characters: I spotted several more red-headed Weasleys; a green-skinned girl deep in conversation with a boy who looked remarkably like Peter Pevensie; Artemis Fowl; Luke Skywalker and Katniss Everdeen before the hall became too crowded for me to see clearly.

There was sixteen adults seated in a semicircle – _probably teachers_, I thought. Several looked like Hogwarts staff.

A tall man with a long beard and wearing a pointy hat stood up. 'To our new first years, welcome, and to our older students, welcome back, to Orothrim Academy. I am Professor Dumbledore, the Headmaster,' he said. 'We have a few short housekeeping announcements: a request from the Doctor that the prefects stop stealing his dalek, a reminder from the computing department that HEX is only to be used by the senior years, and is certainly not to be used for playing games. Furthermore, cheat sheets for said games are certainly not available from Foaly. And finally, a note from the head librarian –' he glanced down at the sheet of paper in his hand, '-"Ook".  
'Also, this year's history trip for the sixth-years will be in February 1886, and the first-year school trip will be in May. I believe that is all; now, the older years will leave quietly, and the first years will stay for a few minutes to receive their timetables.'  
The older students obediently, leaving a very confused first year sitting in the large hall.  
'What _is_ this place?' Alex whispered. I could hear the question being repeated across the hall. It was soon answered as Dumbledore began to speak again.

'Orothrim Academy was created as a place for characters from different universes to mingle and learn from one another. Yes, different universes,' several people had started whispering rapidly, 'you are all from different worlds that overlap in many places. This school was created so you can learn from one another.

'Now, Professor McGonagall will hand out your timetables, and you will have the rest of the day off. There will a bell at six o'clock to indicate the start of dinner. Good day!'

A tall, thin woman wearing a black pointy hat handed timetables out to everyone. I scanned mine quickly. Most of the lessons seemed normal, apart from Magic.  
'So, are we the only ones not from a fictional universe?' I asked Alex.  
'Looks like it.'

We all headed back up to the common room and stood around in small groups, everyone looking confused. After maybe ten minutes or so of this, a pale, blonde boy walked over to me and Alex.

'Hello,' he said. 'My name's Draco Malfoy.'

'Oh, we know _all about_ you,' Alex said sweetly. Malfoy looked slightly disturbed.

'You do?'

'Uh-huh!' She stood up and began to sing: 'Draco likes hamsters, Draco likes honey. Draco likes toothpaste, Draco likes money. Draco likes face paint, Draco likes pliers. Draco likes bowling, Draco likes cartwheels, Draco likes fire!' Alex bowed, realizing that the rest of the common room was staring at her. I tried not to laugh at Malfoy's slightly traumatized expression.  
Suddenly the common room darkened as the window was obscured by a huge, blue eye. Several people shrieked, but a dark-haired boy ran over to the window, a huge grin on his face.  
'Saphira!' he called joyfully. The eye blinked once and then disappeared, replaced by an equally large red eye.  
'Thorn!' Another dark-haired boy who looked like an older version of the first one ran over and put his palm on the glass.  
'Sooo, that'd be Murtagh, then?' Alex whispered. 'He's _way_ fitter than the books say.'  
'Really? We're in a school populated with fictional characters and _that's_ what you focus on?' I shook my head.

* * *

For the next few hours, we were introduced to all the other first years. Nearly all the people from different films/books seemed to get along well with each other, although Legolas and Will Turner had a definite and inexplicable enmity towards each other. There had been a small incident where a little girl, Esk, had screamed and tried to attack Arya and Arwen upon learning that they were elves, but neither elf has seemed particularly offended. Alex and me were in the middle of a conversation with Pippin, Artemis Fowl and Seamus Finnegan when the dinner bell rang.

Well, I say bell, but it was actually a wailing klaxon that had everybody clutching their ears and looking around wildly for the source of the noise. Personally I thought Elladan and Elrohir's reactions of curling up on the ground shrieking, "Make it stop! Make it stop!" was little extreme, but then my ears aren't as sensitive as elves'.  
Eventually, we figured out what was happening and headed back down the stairs. Following the steady stream of older students, we walked down the long corridor that led to the great hall.  
'Is that mushrooms I smell?' one of the hobbits (possibly Merry) asked, sniffing hopefully.

'Let's find out, shall we?' a red-headed woman said, pushing open the door, and we walked forward into the roar of noise.

* * *

**Yeah, that was a shorter chapter, but I'm enjoying leaving the chapters on slight cliffhangers :)**

**A/N: All Inheritance Cycle characters are from the bookverse, not movieverse, so Arya's hair is black, not auburn, and Eragon's is brown, not BLONDE *insert ten-page rant about the Eragon movie here***


	3. JackNav

Chapter 3: JackNav  


**Thank you to everyone who's reviewed, followed, favourited etc. so far!**

* * *

'Let's find out, shall we?' A red-headed woman – I think her name was Katrina – pushed open the door. The dining room seemed to be set out a lot like the cafeteria at our old school – there was a serving counter along one wall, and lots of small tables set out in rows. There was larger table at the end of the room for the teachers, of which there seemed to be more of than at the assembly that morning. Also seated at the teachers' table, behind a plate piled high with bananas, was a large orang-utan.  
'Pip, just look at all this _food!_' The four hobbits had scampered over to the serving counter. The women behind it looked dismayed – clearly hobbits had come to the school before. The rest of the first years also wandered over to the counter. 'Is that lembas bread?' Zoe asked, pointing at a plate. A nearby elf nodded. Zoe took a piece of lembas bread and put it on a plate. I raised an eyebrow. 'How can you eat just that when there's so much food here?'  
'Because one small bite can fill the stomach of a grown man, remember? Anyway, hasn't eating lembas bread always been on your nerd bucket list?'  
I nodded. 'True.' We found seat at a table with a pair of hobbits whose plates were piled so high with food that their faces couldn't be seen, Esk, and a fourth-year girl who knew her.  
Towards the end of the meal, a daring sixth-year crept up to the teachers' table and stole the orang-utan's bananas, which resulted in the sixth-year being chased around the hall for several minutes. Everyone seemed to take this as the signal to leave, and we headed back up to the common room.

We stayed up talking till about midnight, when a harassed-looking teacher stuck her head in and threatened to turn us all into toads if we didn't go to sleep.

* * *

The next morning another wailing klaxon woke everyone up, and over breakfast I scanned the day's timetable. 'Let's see... first it's geography with Gandalf, then computing with Foaly... after break we've got maths with Umbridge and science with Denethor – those should be _fun_...' I cackled evilly. Zoe gave me a worried look. 'Please don't tell me you're going to torment all your least favourite members of staff.'  
I shrugged. 'OK. I won't tell you.'  
Zoe frowned. 'That wasn't what I meant... what have we got in the afternoon?'  
'History with the Doctor and basic magic, whatever that is, with McGonagall.'

* * *

'Are you _sure_ this is the right place?' Zoe asked Captain Jack for the fifth time. The pirate had an uncanny sense of direction and was particularly good at finding his way around the school.  
'Well, luv, we're meant to be in geography with that Gandalf fellow, and seeing as this is the geography corridor, and the door says "Gandalf" on it, I'd say we're in the right place, savvy?' he replied drily. I glanced at the door and sure enough, there was a little plaque on it that read "Gandalf". Underneath that, someone had stuck a hand-written sign that read "the wonderful wizard of Geog.".  
Our class entered quietly and sat down. Gandalf was seated at a desk, typing on a computer. He looked up, seeming surprised to have a class, and stood up to face us.  
'Welcome to Orothrim Academy, and welcome to first-year geography. This year's topics will be mostly focused on the geography of middle earth and Alagaesia, as these are among the most common worlds that our students come from.' Gandalf paused and looked around impressively at everyone. 'At the end of this term, there will be a test, and if you do not study properly for it then YOU – SHALL NOT – PASS!' The classroom darkened for a minute and everyone tried to back away, which was difficult to do whilst sitting down. Gandalf coughed nervously. 'Sorry, got a bit carried away. Anyway, today we will start by looking at the chief mountain ranges in the west of middle earth, specifically the Misty Mountains and the Blue Mountains. There are maps at the back of the classroom; each of you may take one to use for study purposes. Now, who can name the major peaks of Ered Luin?' The lesson quickly grew boring, although Gimli, Fili and Kili seemed to be in their element. Eventually the horrible klaxon sounded again and we trooped back out into the corridor and waited expectantly for Jack to figure out where computing was.  
'Down the stairs and to the right,' he said finally. 'Foaly's classroom is on the... left-hand side of the corridor.'  
'How can he do that?' Frodo whispered as we set off.  
'Well, after being a pirate for so long, you pick up the ability to navigate anywhere with ease, luv. And of course, there are certain drinks that help lubricate the thinking process...'  
Elizabeth rolled her eyes. 'He's drunk, basically.' Drunk or not, Jack managed to lead us to the computing classroom. The teacher, Foaly, turned out to be centaur. Upon seeing our class, he sighed wearily. 'Full of bloody medievals again...' He clapped his hands to get our attention. 'Alright everyone, those who know how to use computers, pick one and switch it on. The vast majority of you who don't, sit down in front of one of the shiny black boxes, press the button that says "on" on it and wait for pretty colours to appear on the screen – yes, Ponder?' An older student had burst into the classroom. 'Sorry about this, sir,' he panted, 'but Hex has grown another cuckoo clock and it's upsetting the ants...' Foaly nodded.  
'Right, you lot, wait here.' He trotted out of the room after Ponder, and didn't appear for the rest of the lesson. Me and Zoe amused ourselves by teaching the hobbits to play QWOP, Hermione and Harry tried to explain the basics of computers to Ron, and Artemis appeared to be secretly converting his computer into a killer robot. Then the klaxon-bell sounded again, and we went back into the dining hall for break.

* * *

**The klaxon-bell sounds like the klaxon on QI, for those of you who watch QI.**


	4. Wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey

Chapter 4: Wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey

**I've just discovered "They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa" by Napoleon XIV. This may replace "They're taking the hobbits to Isengard" as my new weird song obsession.**  


The larger tables that were in the dining hall during mealtimes had been replaced by smaller, cafe-table-like tables. Me and Alex grabbed a table and watched with amusement as the hobbits protested over the lack of elevensies and their missed second breakfasts. About fifteen minutes later, the klaxon sounded again and we headed off to maths.  
Professor Umbridge was standing next to the whiteboard as we entered the classroom, with an evil smile on her face.  
'Now, class, as a starter I thought we could all solve this equation. Won't that be fun?' The equation was so long and complicated that it took up the entire board.  
'It must be in the Black Speech of Mordor,' Frodo whispered. The other middle-earthians nodded in agreement.  
'Mister Sparrow, perhaps you'd care to tell us the answer?' Umbridge asked sweetly. Jack shook his head. 'Sorry, luv. Need more rum for that sort of thing.'  
Umbridge looked affronted. 'Well, if that is going to be your attitude, then I shall just give you all textbook work to do.'  
'Pink speckled toad,' I muttered.  
'I heard that,' Umbridge said sharply.  
The rest of the lesson was incredibly boring. So boring, in fact, that when the bell rang, Alex jumped out of her seat and capered down the hallway shrieking, 'SMEAGOL IS FREE!'

In science, we spent most of the period listening to Denethor earnestly explaining about the dangers of playing with fire. The tedium was broken only by Will and Jack fighting over the bottle of surgical spirit that Jack had found and tried to drink.  
'Jack, you're not supposed to drink it!'  
'But it says 'alcohol' on the label!'  
'It also says 'not for consumption or internal use'.'  
'That skull-and-crossbones symbol is a pirate symbol. I'm a pirate, therefore it's meant for me, savvy?'  
'In this context, I think it means poisonous...'  
Denethor didn't notice, even when it escalated into a wrestling match, which Will won.

Lunchtime worked pretty much the same as dinner and breakfast had: the serving counter, the tables, the daring banana heist by one of the sixth-years (I realized that they seemed to have drawn straws to decide who would steal them).

The history classroom was easy enough to find, as it was the only door in the corridor that had Gallifreyan writing all over it.  
In one corner of the classroom was the TARDIS, and in another was a dalek. Me and Alex – and Hermione, oddly – shrieked slightly at the sight of it.  
'Don't worry, it's dead. Weeell, not _dead_, but sleeping. Dormant. Won't hurt you,' our teacher concluded with a grin. He had brown spiky hair and was wearing a blue suit and his feet were propped up on the desk. He continued, 'Take a seat, any seat. Except this seat. This seat's mine. Now, history. History's great, isn't it? All that wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff packed together. Brilliant. And this year, you will be looking at the history of...' he paused dramatically and looked at a sheet of paper on his desk. 'Romans! Oh, the Romans. Great civilization, could be a bit barbaric though. Mind you, Julius Caesar, he knew how to party. Wasn't so keen on Nero, though...' he trailed off. 'Oh, yes, I have to take the register. Do we have Aragorn?'  
'Here.'  
'Arya?'  
'Here.'  
'Frodo?'  
''Sup.'  
'Merry?'  
'Yo.'  
'Eragon?'  
_'Kvetha.'_  
'Zoe?'  
'Here, _sah!_ Present and correct, _sah!_'  
'Boromir?'  
'Here.'  
'Faramir?'  
'PINEAPPLES!' Everyone stared at him.  
It was a fairly large class, so by about halfway through the register most people had fallen asleep, until he got to Alex.  
'Alexandra?'  
'It's Alex.'  
'It says 'Alexandra' on the register.'  
Alex flipped out. 'My name is _ALEX!_ NO ONE CALLS ME ALEXANDRA! AAGGH!' She threw a pineapple at the Doctor. It hit him in the head.  
'No! My pineapple!' Faramir wailed.  
'I'm sorry Faramir, the evil man drove me to it.'  
'It-It's _dead_.' The pineapple had broken when it hit the Doctor.  
The Doctor calmly picked up the two pineapple halves and threw them back at Alex before continuing with the register.  
'Pippin?'  
'Here.'  
'Will?'  
'Here.'  
'Arwen?'  
'Here.'  
'Ron?'  
'Here.'  
'Good, everybody's here. Now, ancient Rome. Does anyone here speak Latin? Only one of you? Ah, well. It's a shame about the new regulations, or else I could have taken you all to Rome.' he glanced regretfully at the TARDIS, then looked round at the class. 'I hope you're getting all this down...'

**Reviewerly challenge of the chapter: what's the most interesting thing to happen in your science class? In S1 my class managed to set the bin on fire...**

**This will probably be the last update for a while, because in a few days I'll be moving and everything will be a bit hectic and I'm not entirely sure when I'll next have computer access. Hopefully I'll be back in a few weeks, but until then goodbye! Au revoir! ****Despedida****! Auf wiedersehen! Vaarwel! Arrivederci! Do svidaniya! Farvel! Sayonara! Vale! Mar sin leibh! Naamarie!**

**Oh, and sorry about the shorter chapter length. See, I wanted to post today, for reasons mentioned above, but while trying to find the clip of the Doctor teaching physics I kind of got distracted by watching old tenth Doctor clips on Youtube... *shifty eyes***


	5. Magic Bananas

Magic bananas

**This chapter is dedicated to everyone who was upset when they didn't get a letter from Hogwarts on their eleventh birthday...**

Our last class of the day was Basic Magic with Professor McGonagall. Jack's uncanny navigation skills helped us find the classroom no bother, and we were greeted by Professor McGonagall glaring at us all, seemingly on general principles.

'Good afternoon, class. This year in Basic Magic I will be attempting to further the magical skills some of you may already possess, and test the rest of you for magic.

'Now, how many of you can already use magic?' About a third of the class raised their hands. She nodded. 'Demonstrate them, please.' She pointed at Harry. 'Mr Potter, you may go first.' Harry raised his wand. 'Er- _expecto patronum_!' A silver stag leapt from the end of his wand and flew around the classroom a couple of times. Everyone looked impressed, apart from the Hogwartians and Boromir, who shrieked, 'AAGHH! Witchcraft!' and ran out of the classroom screaming. Everyone stared after him for a few minutes, until his footsteps faded. Professor McGonagall shook her head. 'There's always one... Now, Mr Finnegan, it's your turn.' Seamus raised his wand nervously and said, _'wingardium leviosa!_' His pencil case caught fire. Hermione sighed and said, _'Aguamenti!_' A jet of water sprayed from the end of her wand and onto the pencil case. Professor McGonagall nodded approvingly. 'Very good, miss Granger. Mr Weasley, you're up.'

_'Wingardium leviosa!_' Unfortunately, while Ron's pencil case was flying around the room, Boromir was dragged back into the classroom by a grizzled man in armour. 'Thank you, Your Grace.' McGonagall said.

'Just Commander, please.'

Boromir took one look at the floating pencil case, screamed and ran out of the room again. A few seconds later, the Commander/His Grace dragged him back in again and left muttering something that sounded like, 'I don't get paid enough for this job.'

'Mr Malfoy, if you will?'

_'Lumos!_' His wand lit up.

'Now… Eragon, isn't it? You go next.'

'_Brisingr!_' A small blue fire appeared in his hands. After that, Arya and Murtagh also conjured up fire, Esk explained that her main magical power was knowing when _not_ to use magic, Holly and Trouble demonstrated shielding and Lilli was given detention for attempting to use the _mesmer_ on Kili.

Professor McGonagall glared at Lilli one more time for good measure before rifling around in one of her desk drawers and producing a banana. 'Now, I will test the rest of you for magic, in alphabetical order. Aragorn?' Aragorn nervously stepped forward. 'Place your hand on this banana.' Aragorn did so. Nothing happened. Professor McGonagall pursed her lips and called Frodo forward. This time, the banana glowed a faint red. McGonagall tapped the banana thoughtfully. 'Residual curse magic. Mr Baggins, have you been in contact with objects of evil power recently?'  
'Yes…'  
'Hmm. Mr Brandybuck!' Merry appeared to have no magic. Zoe did, as when she touched the banana it turned bright green. McGonagall frowned and rummaged around in a pile of paper on her desk. 'Zoe Campbell?'  
'Yeah…'  
'And Alex Thompson. Ah yes, the Great Owl Mix-up of '98. Here we go.' McGonagall pulled out two letters, written in green ink. 'Yes. You two-' she pointed at me and Zoe, '-are witches. The acceptance letters got lost in the post.'

Boromir, unsurprisingly, had no signs of magic. Faramir had some, but McGonagall said that it was too faint to be of much use. Elladan and Elrohir, however, managed to turn the classroom floor into grass. Artemis Fowl levitated his desk several inches into the air. Sam, Roran and Gimli had no magic, but Haldir grew several gold-coloured flowers all over the grass/floor. Katrina and Nasuada had no magic, but Jack made the banana glow orange – apparently this was 'magnetism skills', which may have accounted for his ability to find his way around the school so easily. Elizabeth apparently had witch magic, as did Eowyn. Legolas' magic was possibly the most spectacular, as a huge pine tree erupted from the grass near his desk. Arwen grew a vine covered in pretty white flowers that draped itself around the pine tree. McGonagall, seemingly annoyed with the amount of plants that had appeared in her classroom, threw random wands at the people who had shown magical skills before dismissing the class early.


	6. flammable, inflammable, same difference

Flammable, inflammable, same diff

**I swear I would have updated this sooner, but the pull of Doctor Who outtakes on Youtube was too strong to resist… I'M FREE! FREE AS A BIRD! A CYBERBIRD!**

* * *

Tuesday morning brought the wonderfulness of double English, taught by Galadriel. 'This year you will be studying Shakespeare,' she announced. This was met by either groans or blank looks, which she ignored. 'Today you will begin by writing an essay on his best-known work, Romeo and Juliet. You will have the entire double period to do this. You may begin.'  
Boromir stood up. 'One does not simply write an essay!'  
'Here we go again,' Frodo muttered, rolling his eyes.  
'Its paragraphs are guarded by more than just spelling and punctuation. There are sentences there that do not sleep, and the grammar Nazis are ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with similes and quotations, and the very words you write are jumbled and random. Not with ten thousand days could we do this. It is folly.'  
Before Galadriel could answer, there was a muffled explosion from upstairs, and a few minutes later the third-year class streamed past our door. Fred and George were at the back, both with singed eyebrows. ' So 'inflammable' means 'flammable'? Who knew?' one of them was saying. Denethor came down a little after his class, shaking slightly and mumbling, 'Fire… fire everywhere…'  
A moment after Denethor had passed by the door, a cloud of pink smoke followed him down the corridor. A few tendrils of the smoke floated into our classroom, bringing with it the smell of burnt marshmallows. Fortunately, Galadriel had the presence of mind to open the window and fan the smoke outside.  
'Hmm. Perhaps it would be best to wait till tomorrow to begin work on your essays. You may take the rest of this class to read, or talk, or…something…'

* * *

French class was taught by Celeborn. There was still a lingering trace of the weird pink smoke, which seemed to be having slightly hallucinogenic effects on Celeborn, as he spent most of the class singing nursery rhymes in French. About two-thirds of the way through the class, Galadriel appeared and whacked her husband over the head with a textbook, then proceeded to yell at him (in French) for the rest of the period. When the klaxon sounded, we quickly edged out the room and headed for Art.  
'Elrond,' Alex muttered, scanning her timetable. 'How much d'you bet he'll do something even more psychotic than Galadriel and Celeborn combined?'  
'Hmm,' I mused. 'I reckon he'll have us painting important scenes from battles in the First Age, or something…'  
'Or doing engravings in Sindarin on his door…'

Actually, what Elrond had us doing was making origami fans to waft the pink smoke out of his classroom. Once that was done, Elrond began, 'Welcome to first-year art. This year, we will be looking at the question: What _is_ art? To answer this, we will need to explore the works of many great artists, such as Picasso…' most of the class had stopped paying attention. I began doodling on my arm.  
'…Not forgetting the valuable contributions Rhunön made with her smith skills…' I noticed that Elladan, Elrohir, Esk and Elizabeth were playing Monopoly.  
'… of course, if music is considered an art, then Lindir is surely the greatest artist Imladris has ever known…' Will and Legolas were having a silent wrestling match, refereed by Jack.  
'… Van Gogh's style may well have been affected by his experience with the Krafayis, though – goodness, is that the time? Well, off you go to lunch, and I'll see you again tomorrow. Toodle-pip!' It actually took quite a while for us all to get out of his classroom, given the number of board games, small fighting robots and packs of cards that had to be packed away.

* * *

In the afternoon we had double PE, taught by Butler.  
'We will be doing basketball this term. I thought that today we could start by brainstorming some of the basics of basketball. Now, does anyone know any rules of basketball?'  
Aragorn's hand shot up. 'No killing people!'  
'…Well, it's true that murder is generally frowned upon in sport, but I was thinking more about rules specific to basketball.'  
'No killing people _with basketballs_!'  
Butler gave him a long-suffering look. 'OK, why don't we just start a couple games of basketball, and see what happens?'

Me and Alex were put in a team with Eragon, Arya, Ron and Murtagh, and we were playing against Seamus, Hermione, Artemis, Draco, Elizabeth and Éowyn. Things were going relatively well, given that less than half the players actually knew how to play. Then, when Hermione was just about to score a basket, Ron grinned, pulled out his wand and whispered 'Wingardium leviosa!' Hemione looked around, surprised, when the ball floated out of her hands and to the other side of the court, then narrowed her eyes at Ron and drew her wand.  
From there it went downhill pretty fast, and by the time Butler came over to see how we were doing, the game consisted of the two teams sitting on the floor and directing the ball with magic.

* * *

**A/N: I have no idea of the rules or terminology for basketball, so apologies if none of that made any sense.**


End file.
